How do you prepare for the unexpected? - A look into anxiety.

If you have anxiety, or know anyone with anxiety, or want to know what it is like to have anxiety, well you should read this post. I am going to do my best to explain what goes through my head on a daily basis. 

I know everyone is different. No case of anxiety looks exactly the same. Our life circumstances and events shape our minds - whether we want them to or not. For me, there are two main things I fight on a daily basis:

1. I automatically jump to the worst case scenario of any given situation. I think this is because I used to think of the worst case scenario sometimes but I could shake it off because it didn't happen. Until it did. Until I had a sinking feeling something was really wrong with my dad. And then he had a tumor. and then that tumor was cancer. and then the tumor came back. The worst case scenario has happened multiple times. I can't tell my mind that isn't going to happen. Because it could. and how do I prepare for that?

2. I have a constant stream of worries playing in the background of my mind. Somewhere along the way I picked up the notion that if I worry about it, then I can control it from happening. Or at least I will be ready for it if it does happen. There is nothing worse than getting really bad news that you had no idea was coming, or so I think. So if I just think about all the things I don't want to happen - then they are less likely to happen. 

This is how my brain looked before I went to counseling:

The yellow circle is the main thought I am trying to deal with. The pink ones are the two competing thoughts that make me worry. The background is the news ticker of worries that I can "feel" in the back of my head. If I give it .01 second of thought I can grab one of those fears and dwell on it. 

It was exhausting. 

I used to think this was normal. --> then I learned it wasn't

When my dad passed away I enrolled into counseling. After listening to me for a few weeks my counselor asked me what percentage of my life I thought was controlled by anxiety.  I said "50%". She said she thought it was a lot more than that. It didn't take long for me to realize it was more like 90% yikes!

One time there was a severe thunderstorm warning in our area. Philip and I looked out the window and watched the storm blow in. I asked him "what are you thinking about right now?" He said "I don't know what I am going to have for dinner" That blew my mind! I said "so you're not thinking about the storm and how our basement could flood, or how a branch might fall on the roof?!?!" 

"nope"

This is what Philip's brain looked:

 Ok, to be fair I can't guarantee that is his exact thought process, that is just what I assume it looked like.

I used to think this would never go away. --> then it started to get better.

One time I had to write down all of my fears. The things I thought about on daily basis that scared me. Sure, no big deal. They all seemed legit.  Until I had to read them out loud. That is when I started realizing some of them were a little, odd. Like "what if I got shot while driving" "what if The Earth fell off its axis". What are the odds of these things happening? Probably pretty slim. 

After I wrote them out I had to put them in 3 piles "Things to fix" "Things to fix later" "Things to throw away"

Notice how I didn't get a "things I can worry about" pile. Nope. I had to be able to have control over them to be able to hang onto to them.

Dude - 90% of my fears I had to throw away. Mainly because I can't control them.

Not that this cured me. Because I am far from cured. But it helped! A ton. I think, if I were honest with myself, I would say that now 50% of my life is still controlled by anxiety. 

This is what my brain looks like today: 

A vast improvement from before. I would LOVE for the background noise to go away. I would love to not to jump to the worst case scenario in .01 seconds. This is where I am, and I have to be proud of it. 

This is another reason why I love yoga. For that one hour while I am practicing I am literally thinking about how to inhale and exhale and I don't have the brain capacity to worry. When I leave, at least for a little while, the buzzing in my head is quieter. 

I used to think I wasn't a real Christian because I am anxious --> then God showed that I am. 

There are hundreds of verses in the Bible about not worrying, trusting God, not being anxious, casting all your cares on Him. So, clearly, since I am not able to do that - I am a failure. Right? Wrong. I can say, read, and dwell on verses about peace when I am scared. I do, actually. I can tell myself "God's Got it!" or "You can't control that, Mary!" And yet there is a buzzing of fears running through my mind all day. So what am I doing wrong? Why am I not better? Am I not praying enough? 

No - Some people struggle with anxiety, and that's ok.

I still love God. I trust God. God loves me even though I am an anxious person. 

But I don't think God wants me to be anxious. I think He wants me to continue to get better. To continue to read my Bible and dwell on hopeful things. And so I am.

I don't think God wants you to be anxious either. 

We, you and I, can't prepare for the unexpected. Life sucks sometimes. Stuff happens that we wish never would. So, take a deep breath - and realize you probably have no control over that worry. 

Do you or someone you know struggle with anxiety? What does it look like? What has helped you?

Linking up with Titus 2 Tuesday and Coffee Date Friday